No fear

Happy to be back. Last couple of weeks.. Wonderful, busy, lifechanging, exciting. Old and new people, new sides of them, new places, old things with new people, new sides of myself.

I have exactly one months left. Kind of I'm excited to stabilize my life and to be able to enjoy of these things I'm living now with more stability and for longer periods of time. Then again I am not looking at all forward to returning to Finland because I fear my opportunities will partly seize existing, that I wont find this thrill or passion in people over there. I fear things will be more bland. I know it's mainly up to myself but here it is easy to jump on the stream of neverending adventures and enjoy the ride. In Finland I am the wagon, I am the motor that brings me forward.

Probably the Finns understand me when I say that despite the cold, the darkness, the drunks etc what I most fear returning is the grayness. Day in and day out we work, fill our duties as taxpayers, follow the rules, comply with our duties, do what we are supposed to do on our free time and complain about how life is boring. How easy it is to fall in that trap. How will I notice if I do fall in that trap? Is it actually a trap? Am I maybe better off there, secure, controlled, with little surprises but little drama as well. Or do I want more?

Well, thoughts. This does cross my mind every now and then though. Am I living the most exciting years of my life and the ones that follow will be completely horrible? I surely hope it's not like that. At least for now home is wherever I lay my head. Lets just hope it brings happiness too.